four: why I walked away from my first startup
I resigned from my own startup out of self-awareness.
I have incredible gratitude for the opportunity I was given to turn a crazy idea I had (circa 2007 or so) into a new class of cancer drugs that is now enrolling patients in a phase I clinical trial in 2020. This still blows my mind.
The truth
I’ll tell you that I did not always think this way. I had a really loser-ish and entitled mindset for the past several years and basically thought my lead investors were to blame for my unhappiness and all the difficulties I had in raising capital throughout the years. I used to also blame biotech venture capitalists (VCs) for being elite assholes (although, let’s be honest, a lot of them are).
BUT I also realize now what I lacked throughout this time (which wasn’t all too long ago) was proper perspective.
PHOTO: Giving biotech investors the side-eye at a fundraising conference.
Little did I appreciate that there have only been a handful of scientist-trainees IN THE WORLD EVER to successfully do what I had done. I also realized that if I were in the VC’s shoes, I literally wouldn’t fund me either… the Silicon Valley tech startup model they rely on is really shit when applied to BIOtech. It forces them to be absolute prisoners to minimizing risk because from what I’ve seen they don’t know enough science to do it any other way.
[i.e., it basically forces them to bet only on crusty industry veterans, me-too drugs, Nobel laureates, and the opinions of more experienced and “proven” VCs… rather than true innovation which literally can come from ANYONE/ANYWHERE].
Real talk: I was a spineless and deeply insecure first-time CEO. I basically taught the major investors to treat me as such. I was too concerned with avoiding conflict that I sacrificed way too much of myself to the point I became resentful. I—and I alone—created that framework.
[TBH, I did the same in my marriage.]
The luck
Frankly, there was a lot of luck involved as well.
The toxicity
Initially, I left the company last summer feeling perhaps #startuplife was not for me. My head was clouded by the fact I was horribly burned out.
What I’ve realized in the past eight(!) months since then is that I actually do LOVE the ups and downs of #startuplife and building a company beginning with literally nothing but a moonshot idea. Deep down, in my bones, I am an entrepreneur.
It was just the specific circumstances in my “milieu” in the final years (as hinted in the previous section) that were—for lack of a better word—toxic (for me) and I became increasingly unhappy to an absolute breaking point.
[but to be crystal clear: 1) I own 100% of the blame, 2) I have full confidence in the current team as the day I hired them, and 3) I expect nothing but success].
PHOTO: Giving Time’s Square the side-eye last June when I was burned the fuck out and wandering the streets of NYC alone listening to Eckhart Tolle.
But, I am free again to do whatever the fuck I want in pursuit of my happiness and greater impact. As you know from the last episode (and if you haven’t read it, it literally says it in the title) I just launched my second biotech startup, ophyd. At ophyd, we are going to do things a lot different, but that is for another time.
The missing
I’ve felt fairly lost ever since I left OncoSynergy. Part of that is the concurrent failure of my marriage, of course, but also I knew something more was missing. In the past three weeks or so I realized I have found it again… it lies in me pushing the limits of science and medicine on my terms. I fucking love it.
[It reminded me of how I was the CEO of my PhD research… I worked in the lab only when I was inspired, but when I did I was there for really long hours (sometimes up to 30 hrs) and got shit done. And then 30 months into it I decided I had enough data to defend, told my committee as such, and they agreed. Boom! Neuroscience PhD in 3 years.]
PHOTO: In my happy place (circa 2013).
As I have been dealing with, in @garyvee’s words—“the devastating outcome of achieving what you wanted to”—I realize that in the end I’m OK… No need to dwell, there’s nowhere to go from here but up.
The unlock*
The unlock is being in love with the process—not the trophies, titles, cash, and achievements. It is not valuing other people’s opinions over my own happiness. It is making efforts to minimize exposure to negativity wherever possible. It is realizing I am fully in control of my happiness always.
You are too. But lemme know if somehow I can help… especially during these tough times.
[*I must give credit where credit is due. This is all straight out of the Gary Vaynerchuk playbook. I’ve been following him since around 2017 and HE HAS CHANGED MY LIFE AND MINDSET and helped get me through some dark times to where I am now… grateful and happy. Thank you, Gary!]
[n.b., this was originally an Instagram post from 5 weeks ago, but I wanted to expand on this topic after more clarity due to more recently having gotten my groove back.]